I want to speak out of the core belief that shapes my own loneliness.

Deep down, seated, that I am vile. That I, a damaged man, a damaging man.

There is a deep fear of my potential — of my capacity to do evil. I fear the most my shadow — of its own capability of destruction.

It’s like the umbrella scene in “Ulysses’ Gaze” when A said: I got lost, wandering along strange routes… If I could stretch out my hands, I would touch you… And time will be whole again… But something was holding me back… I wish I could tell you I’ve returned… But something was holding me back… The journey isn’t over, not yet!

That reflection upon myself discloses itself in times of connection with others. It necessitates the completion of my journey to my underworld. I need to die. I need to kill myself & travel back to Hades. I need to be reborn.

Only then will I approach without fearing, only then will I seek without question.
I must travel to my underworld again.
I wish I could write you when I return…